Now that i've started i might as well keep going. Just spilt tea all over the power board because my dad decided to come home and Beep his horn out the front. So i was browsing on facebook... Not wallowing in saddness... Just my usual facebook skim through... and i found this. ^ This does not happen. This is probably what every girl would wish for a guy to do. Hold her when shes at her worst and love her through her saddness. But of course its 2014! Dont expect that to happen. Wish i could just be next to him and typing this. While his gaming away. Just being close gives me that warmth. I dont need his undivided attention. Just to be close. Big step for me i think. I used to want his full attention but that no longer matters. im happy if his happy, just gaming away. Wish i was able to do that everyday. but of course i ruin things before we could ever do anything. how could he say i dont want to live with him or spend my life with him. Its all i ever really want. I wanted it too much... so it put too much pressure on myself. i didnt want to be disappointed... i tried to just make it like i wanted my own plans. hoping it would save my ass in the future, if he was ever to leave me. well guess What. it does not. when will you learn. You cannot protect yourself from pain. You only cause more pain. You cannot tell yourself to love someone less in hopes of not feeling too much pain when they leave. Learn from it now, it does NOT Work! my feeling was. work hard so i can follow that plan.Too afraid to say anything to him though, i didnt really want to scare him off.. but then i did it anyways. Made him think i didnt care and didnt want the same things. i need to ask myself. How did i make the person that loved me so much, hate me so much. The cruel words that cut so deep =( Its also freezing cold in my own bed. If only i had the warmth of his bed! Best time the day. Night time. when you know you can no longer do anything. and your about to just fall asleep and escape the pain for the night. Another day gone. If what they say is true about time healing, then another day his healing. Either healing from the pain i've caused him or moving on with his life. I will never know. All i can do is hope it heals the pain and makes him miss me.. enough to let the love he has for me out. okay goodnight you. no tears remember. your a strong women now! HA yeah right...