So i'm going to take the advice that someone once gave me and start my own journal. As much as i'm trying to distract myself i need a way of expressing my feelings. It may be too late because i've lost that person but at least i am trying. Life hasn't been easy. Losing the most important person in your life is not. Its been 1 week and 3 days and it only gets harder. As they say "it gets harder before it gets easier". Most days i'm doing well, trying to keep calm and getting my life together. Once again, you don't know what you've lost until its gone... I was just so unhappy with life. Setting such unrealistic goals that put so much pressure on me. What was i thinking? Life is difficult as it is, why make it even harder! I believe in love, yes i do. I believe he loves me but it doesn't mean he wants to be with me... He may never contact me again. Trying to make myself believe that if you love something then let it go. Let him find his happiness cause i wasn't able to give that to him. This time i need to learn that time and space is what makes someone miss you. It was overwhelming for both parties. I was all over the place. Didn't know what i was feeling... didnt know what i wanted to do or go. Unhappy with my life, and i was lashing out on the closest person to me. The person i trusted most. Way to sabotage my own life. I cannot let myself spiral down like that again. I wish he would see what was happening to me and tell me. Of course i can't expect anyone to stick by me when im all over the place. Getting frustrated at everything was definitely not the answer. Everything was set out and i followed the plan and now there is no plan..nothing to go by. I feel like i'm living life day by day. Not knowing whats going to happen. Its scary. Not happy with work and not knowing when they would get rid of me and when i will find that stable job i will be happy going to everyday. Once again, he left and i was forced to face reality. I can't depend on him for happiness anymore. It was just weekday work... trying to hang on... and weekend was the only time i was happy. Wrong way to live life. Depending on a person for happiness puts way too much pressure on them. When i was in his arms it just felt like nothing could ever go wrong. And when i had to face reality of coming home and work just tore me apart. I just need to learn to be happy with my everyday life. Okay first post and my thoughts are everywhere... ADHD! When you come back to read this your going to think you are CRAZY! Psychotic was the word he used...